I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
