i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
