we're chasing vodka with high fives
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
