but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.