I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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