Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks