I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.