I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Your cock deserves a montage
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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