Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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