I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I got inside last night via doggy door
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
