I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's great music for shaving your balls
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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