I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
