Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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