I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore