Just fell off a train. Bad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
