So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
