My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Randomize
