Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
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I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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