i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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