He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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