$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
