If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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