I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
