I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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