so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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