I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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