why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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