Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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