stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
