if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
