The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she peed on how many people?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
