That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
