Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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