I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
