I think my fart just growled at me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Is it because I queefed?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
