how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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