I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
