My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He has the fingertips of a God
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
