i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
