I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
