hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
