We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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