Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
