It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
