apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
