Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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