3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
