I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
