I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
