Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
