id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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