i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
