considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
