my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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