i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
