So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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