Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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