How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
