Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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