It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
